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Quotes

50+ Best Funny Quotes and Sayings to share

50+ Best Funny Quotes and Sayings to share 

 Funny quotes and sayings

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”– Abraham Lincoln

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”– Abraham Lincoln

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”– Albert Camus

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 Funny Quotes

Funny inspirational quotes

“Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.”

“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”

“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”– Albert Einstein

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott

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Funny Quotes

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”– Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”– Andy Borowitz

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”– Andy Rooney

“At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”– Ann Landers

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”– Ann Landers

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh Brilliant

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”– Ashleigh Brilliant

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 Funny Quotes

Funny quotes about life

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”– Benjamin Franklin

“I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”

“Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.”

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”

“Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together.”

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Funny Quotes

Funny quotes

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”– Benjamin Franklin

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”– Bernard Baruch

“Most people would sooner die than think in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”– Bertrand Russell

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”– Betty White

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”– Bill Maher

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Funny Quotes

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”– Bill Vaughan

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of large research staff to study the problem.”– Bill Vaughan

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”– Bill Watterson

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”– Billy Connolly

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”– Billy Connolly

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 Funny Quotes

Funny senior quotes

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”– Billy Sunday

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope

“Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”– Bob Thaves

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 Funny Quotes

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”– Bryan White

“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”– Buddy Hackett

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”– Carl Sagan

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”– Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”– Casey Stengel

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”– Charles de Gaulle

 

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Quotes

50+ Short Funny Quotes and Funny Sayings to share

50+ Short Funny Quotes and Funny Sayings to share

Funny sayings

Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.

You were too lazy to read that number.

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Funny sayings

Funny quotes and sayings

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

A tree’s final moment of revenge.

Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.

My six-pack is protected by a layer of fat.

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Funny sayings

 

Short funny quotes

 When nothing is going right, go left.

If you have crazy friends you have everything you’ll ever need.

Silence is golden unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.

I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.

Don’t make me laugh, I’m trying to be mad at you.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.

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Funny sayings

Funny sayings about life

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

A best friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.

At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up.

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Funny sayings

Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

They say ‘don’t try this at home’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. Sincerely, the floor.

I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.

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Funny sayings

Life is short quotes

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

Why was six scared of seven? Because seven “ate” nine.

I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon.

My windows aren’t dirty, my dog is painting.

No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store.

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Funny sayings

Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.

I know that I am intelligent because I know that I know nothing. – Socrates

Art doesn’t transform. It just plain forms. – Roy Lichtenstein

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

Every day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.

Why can’t you play cards on a small boat? Because someone is always sitting on the deck.

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Funny sayings

Funny inspirational sayings

Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow.

When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

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Funny sayings

 I wasn’t mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I’m mad.. yes, I’m mad!

Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, I’ll add ‘LOL’ at the end.

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. – Albert Einstein

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?

Smiles are contagious, be a carrier.

Funny sayings

Short inspirational quotes

Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control.

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year.

I love my computer because all my friends live inside it.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

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