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50+ Best Funny Quotes and Sayings to share

50+ Best Funny Quotes and Sayings to share 

 Funny quotes and sayings

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”– Abraham Lincoln

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”– Abraham Lincoln

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”– Albert Camus

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 Funny Quotes

Funny inspirational quotes

“Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.”

“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”

“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”– Albert Einstein

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott

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Funny Quotes

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”– Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”– Andy Borowitz

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”– Andy Rooney

“At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”– Ann Landers

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”– Ann Landers

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh Brilliant

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”– Ashleigh Brilliant

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 Funny Quotes

Funny quotes about life

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”– Benjamin Franklin

“I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”

“Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.”

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”

“Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together.”

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Funny Quotes

Funny quotes

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”– Benjamin Franklin

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”– Bernard Baruch

“Most people would sooner die than think in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”– Bertrand Russell

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”– Betty White

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”– Bill Maher

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Funny Quotes

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”– Bill Vaughan

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of large research staff to study the problem.”– Bill Vaughan

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”– Bill Watterson

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”– Billy Connolly

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”– Billy Connolly

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 Funny Quotes

Funny senior quotes

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”– Billy Sunday

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope

“Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”– Bob Thaves

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 Funny Quotes

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”– Bryan White

“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”– Buddy Hackett

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”– Carl Sagan

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”– Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”– Casey Stengel

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”– Charles de Gaulle

 

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